Wanting

Hi

I'm sorta upset right now. I wish that I could go back to earlier this morning where the 'normal' me was but...I've been set off!

I just want to bring up my child to the best of my ability but...For so long she pushes and pushes, stubbornly wanting to do what she wants to do ALL the time!

If this is normal...WTF!

But, if this is because it isn't, I just need a small break from all the pushing...

Isn't it strange that younger people don't trust older people when it comes to life?

I state that I'd prefer something to be held differently, for reasons (Like that of something obvious to be stolen or to help with the back) but the kid is like 'no, I want to do it this way'. Then there's 'don't do this while walking', to me it's obvious, it's NOT safe! But I sadly doubt the kid will keep up with it...When out of sight, the kid will probably do what they wanna do!

Ok, perhaps I'm just that little bit more emotional then normal because I wanted to be a good mum and I wanted her to be safe more then normal but it really got me thinking.

Wanting something really does make life more difficult.

For a while now I've tried to have little. I believe that the less you have, the less you take things and people for granted and the more easier it is to be happy. I try not to want anything much, try not to get it out of hand to the point where I'm starting to get greedy.

I know I could ask for more, I really deserve some everyday things but...I just do without because it just makes everyone else's life easier (For example: I actually share a towel with my kid, simply because there isn't enough towel racks, actually there is enough towel racks if you put two on a rack but one person wants the whole rack to themselves and I don't want to hang up my towel elsewhere. I just wash the towel more often...I don't often talk about myself as well, simply because I got the feeling people are just to taken with their own life's to worry about mine. I don't think it's normal to start talking about something and stop to think 'oh, that's right, you don't really care', and don't even get told to keep going...)

Wanting things just makes things harder because if you don't get it, you get upset and sad. I don't even want anything when it comes to my hair. (My dad likes my hair long, so it's long. He cares about it more then me so I just do what he wants.)

With my family, who are mostly in it for themselves, they wouldn't know that I'm breaking down, bit by bit, simply because I'm trying to endure. My 'job' (Outside of writing) is a emotional one that I can't involve my own feelings with, so I'm practically an outsider there. My kid, hate to say it, is a selfish being too. My parents, I have felt like burdens to them since young because 'we' stopped them from doing what 'they' want to do. (Even now asking for something, when we get the guts too, we get told and shown how much they don't want to help us.)

Really, sometimes, I think some people who may only have one parent, or on the rare occasion no parents, might be better off then us.

I wish I could say that I only think this when I'm in a bad mood but...This is far from the first time thinking this.

I and my siblings grew up to be independent, simply because we had no choice. We grew up not really understanding love and emotions, having trouble hugging and saying 'I love you'.

We grew up thinking that if we ask for help, we'll get reprimanded for it.

Perhaps I still don't know what it's like to be a family, I was going to say a 'real' family but what is that?

Just a family that goes out of their way for one another, you know, not making someone feel bad for asking for something. A family that does more hugging and doesn't feel strange! A family that might actually pick up on someone who's having a 'bad day' and say 'Go for a walk, I'll keep the kid company' or 'Let's talk, tell me what's wrong'.

I'm sure it's not good because right now I'm crying. I must know that this kind of thing might be nice to have right now.

...

I'm not thinking that I'm the most upset person, I'm also thinking that I'll be fine soon. I just need to get this out. I need to 'say' something!

I want the world to know that I would like to want more in life, I just can't afford to do it right now...So, I'll try to just continue helping other people get what they want.

My stories, they are my get away, they are the 'wants' that I have, I'll let it all out there and continue to look 'fine' to those around me.

Life is good anyway, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, I don't get cold and I can go to the toilet whenever I want, get water to drink. I'm even saving more money now that I've quit smoking...I'm fine.

On a strange note, now that I think of my stories, this post reminds me a bit about my book 'Compelled Substitution'. Check it out :)